My house is messy right now. There is not a room that is not effected. I used to beat myself up over a messy house; I’ve been severely criticized for having a messy house. Over time, I’ve come to realize the significance of my messy.
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” So says Wayne Dwyer. I’m changing the way I look at myself; I am changing. Not so much a physical change – although I am finally taking my physical self more seriously and doing more to care for my body – but in my emotions. Life has brought me to the place where I must deal with deeply hidden past emotional pain; the place I put off delving into for a very long time. I never wanted to be here, but here I am. And it’s messy.
Confronting negative emotion is messy. I mean who really wants to revisit times of deep betrayal, rejection, and abandonment? Who really wants to recall the deeply scarring words uttered by those who were supposed to be the closest, most trusted ones of all? All of us have these places; the criteria may be different, but the places are there. And life will determine when we deal with them.
Emotion is more loudly expressed in actions than words. When my emotions are positive, my house is more organized than Martha Stewart’s. Everything is neatly put away; the carpets are properly vacuumed; there is no dust. Right now, I have items strewn across my couches, my living room; the carpets are in dire need vacuuming; and the dust has it’s own social club. But I understand the cause of the messy; and I know eventually, everything will be Martha Steward again.
This isn’t the first time negative emotions have poked their skeletal fingers through the wound; but I was able to push them down, or allowed a bit of the pain to be felt. This time, though, the whole of the arm came through..then the torso and head. At first, I thought I had no means for dealing with the destructive hurt. However, life reminded me I do. Life gave me time. Time to develop my own sense of self independent of the views and constructs of others. By just living, Life gave me weapons that, over time, will assist me in finally blowing all this crap to kingdom come and be done with it. I will always have scars; but they will harbor no hidden infection. Excising the wounds hurt like hell, but they will be clean to heal properly.
So my messy external reflects my messy internal. I’ve come to understand this. This is the significance of my messy. I can say, in the past, I’ve gone beyond messy to downright filthy; but I eventually cleaned that up, so I know there will come a day when I clean this up too. And please understand I do not condone living in or with filth. Nor do I assume that people with messy/filthy houses are in a state of emotional turmoil. I understand the significance of my messy – awareness which developed over a long period of time. I cannot comment on anyone else’s.
Knowing the significance of my messy allows me to be gentle with myself during this time of emotional transition. I’m not mentally beating myself up over the symptom, but dealing with the cause. As I deal with the cause, another spot of mess becomes organized. Perhaps it’s no longer the significance of messy, but the significance of healing.
It’s a good thing.
KSOENTPS.ROCKS 